Did you ever lay down in a field with the sun right above you? You can still see the white light coming through your eyelids even though their closed. Hear the wind in the grass or a distant bird.
Well, that’s where I thought I was, first waking up, until I realized that the white light was fluorescent. There were no birds chirping but a steady hum and drone on machinery. Wheels squeaking on linoleum, bland chit chatter over coffee.
Today is the day I return to the life I don’t remember having.

"Whe.. where am I?" Confusion floods my brain with a whooshing like I was standing behind a waterfall. Slowly recognition fall into place. A hospital..?

A nurse walking in to do her checkups, surprised to see I’m awake.
"Deary! How are you feeling? How long have you been awake for?" She asks, a pleasant voice you would hope to hear from a nurse.
"I.. just a moment now... what happened?" God. I’m so confused. Why is she so surprised to see me awake?
The nurse looks nervous, laying down the clipboard in her hand to adjust the bed level. "You don’t remember?" Silence. "Ill go get the doctor".
As she exits the room I’m able to take more time to look around. There’s the typical bland walls, half frosted window, curtains. It looks like I share this mysterious room alone, and glancing to the bedside table I see some flowers just starting to wilt and some cards. Flowers must be a couple days old now, right? Who left them??
Only after I pick up the cards to see what is written do I notice the silence in my mind.
On the front of the first is an x-ray looking picture of a sternum with a big red heart in the middle. "Get well soon hunny.. we all miss you!! XOXO"
The next is similarly macabre, but without paying much attention I flip right to the inside.
"Its taking a while but you'll pull through this. We love you"
The last is a little warped, which looks like its been through a lot of handling, creasing, spills and whatnot. Its not so much a card but a piece of paper folded in half.
"Lauren, dear god I miss you. Please wake up.. Frank."

Lauren.

Lauren.

Who the hell am I?!

The door opens and the perfect time just as I’m starting to start hyperventilate. I grab my chest as a pleasant looking doctor walks in. "Lauren, I see you're awake. How are you feeling?"
Taking a moment to gather my, well, lack of thoughts, I finally say "I’m feeling alright, for someone who has no idea who they are."

~

After running a series of tests with the doctor I’ve learned goes by the name of Richard Sebold, we find out that I have a full state of amnesia. I don’t remember a single god damn thing. From my name, to where I live to what I was studying in school.
I only know I’m 27 because he told me. We looked at some cue cards to double check I could do some basic stuff, simple math, recognising pictures of cars and dogs, things like that.
So far what I’ve gathered is that my name is Lauren, pronounced 'Loe-ren', not 'La-ren', I was studying art and design in the city and that he contacted my supposedly existent boyfriend to come pick me up from the hospital I was put in from an accident. I’ve been unconscious for 3 and a half weeks, and this guy should be here in 15 minutes. Dr. Sebold didn’t tell him that I had amnesia, decided that would be better as a face to face conversation. I have absolutely no idea what to expect.

A little while later another nurse came in with a dark backpack and handed it to me, helped me unhook all the finals of the machine, removed the IV from my hand and left me to get dressed. I guess this 'boyfriend' was told to bring this information with him.

Pulling out of the backpack was a modest pair of jeans, a studded belt, a plain blue t-shirt and a white hooded zip up sweater. I was also informed that my shoes were in this little half closet, found without too much difficulty. Just as I’m finishing up the door is knocked on, opened, and Dr Sebold peers inside.
"Here she is, Mr. Howard, now remember what we spoke about.." and with that he was gone, leaving another man standing in his place. He looked to be about my age, average height. Quite slim. Black hair hung around his face and framed his eyes which were shining slightly. Was he crying? Why? Because he’s happy I’m awake, or sad I wont know who he is? Both, I assume.

He awkwardly takes a step into the room, and I push off from the hospital bed timidly to meet him in the middle. Something is telling me I’m not normally the timid type, but extraordinary cases hold cause to be careful.
"Hi" he whispers, and I notice there’s a metal ring in each side of his bottom lip.
"Hi.. um..-" "I’m Frank" Thank god he finished that for me. This is awkward enough. Frank. The name sounds comforting on my lips though. I know I’m going to sound like an idiot for asking this next question so I take a moment to notice his clothing. Jeans, black t-shirt, black hooded sweater. Some indistinguishable logo on the front.
"Are.. are you.." I chicken out. "Ready to leave?" I finish. What I want to say is 'Are you my boyfriend, because Id like to just double check instead of assuming.
Nodding, his hair sways out in front of him, and he holds out a hand, which I take. Might as well try and act normal, you never know what you might do that causes you to remember something.

~

The ride 'home' was uneventful, its a nice dark blue car, good stereo system, some heavy music played on a low volume, but the song is comforting. Instead of taking the highway, he drives the side streets, pointing out things to me in an exhausted tone to hope to trigger something. It doesn’t. I don’t feel it will for a while.
After a while we arrive at a modest house, white, one story with a basement, a step out front and a wide picture window. For the next what seems like hours, probably was, I got a tour of this house which is partially mine. Renting it anyway. He goes through, room by room, pointing out every little detail and the stories that go along with it. Pictures and paintings hung up or leaning on every surface, our faces are smiling out along with many other faces of unknown people. Friends, he says.

I take his word for it.

He explains more of what I was doing in school, design, and history of fashion,  and he was taking music. We met a year ago, friends through friends and a little bar downtown where he and some friends were playing. They’re in a band. I didn’t think to ask the name. They’re doing alright, I gather, just from how he talks and some of the things he says. I still don’t remember anything but my brain feels overloaded with all this new information to process. Like cramming before a test. I don’t know if Ill sleep from exhaustion tonight or if Ill stay awake, tossing and turning and mulling over information.

~

The night I’m happy to say I did sleep, in 'our' bed while he took the guest room. I know he wanted to stay, said he was happy to have me back, he 'missed me so much, and loved me' but didn’t want me to wake scared in an unknown place with a stranger beside me. I learn Frank is an extremely reasonable person, even thought its visibly killing him to stay away from me.

This day I wake up to humming and quiet chatter, the smell of food in the air. After I finally wake up and stumble to the newly discovered bathroom for a shower and a change of clothing, I try to follow the sound of voices to the small kitchen.

As soon as I reach the doorway I hear a squeal, and feel a large force hit me. A hug. From who?

"Jazz! Will you let her go? She doesn't remember, remember?" Franks voice. He looked irritated over at the blob that had clung to me, but I’m laughing at the sentence 'remember, remember?' in my mind and not paying attention to the person called Jazz.

Suddenly I’m released and a girl is standing in front of me, a nervous look in her downcast eyes.
"Sorry, Lauren, I forgot. Its just so good to see you" a light sniff, and another quick hug, and she sits back down. I barely hear myself saying 'its okay' as I make my way over to Frank, wanting to hide behind him from the watchful eyes of all the people at the table.

After I’m introduced to the faces I remember last night from the pictures on the tables. Jazz, short for Jasmine, from my design class. A short girl with equally as short blond pixie cut hair, a purple sundress and sunglasses on her head. Alex, one of the guys from Franks band, a pretty average looking Joe with brown hair and a medium build. The drummer, I’m told. Does it really make a difference what it is he plays? I’m told it does because I always tell him I want to learn, but don’t.

Two other faces, boyfriend and girlfriend Morgan and Claire. What you'd call high school sweethearts. She has a heart shaped face, long auburn hair, very tight jeans and a long sleeved shirt in a very flattering shade of olive green. He looks a lot like Frank, same shade hair, one of those lip things on the side, some tattoos on his arms.

We make small talk over a breakfast of sorts. Pancakes, eggs and 'fake-n' I learn its called. Soy based artificial bacon for the vegetarian of the house (thankfully not me, that stuff was disgusting). They all seemed in a great mood, happy to share stories and recollections of what has been happening lately. What I missed and what I was around for. It was still nerve wracking. I know they weren’t angry at me for not remembering anything, but I was. They were happy to have me back but they didn’t really. Have me back that is, because I don’t know who I am to be back.
I’m told I also had some piercings, in my nose and ears, but they were removed at the hospital. They want me to get it done again. I also had brown hair, but it was dyed and its since faded to a dusty beige type color. This day too we drove around, people pointing out things and laughing in a way that felt so relaxed I’m pretty sure these people really are my best friends. I have a feeling that they haven’t laughed like this the whole time I was in the hospital, for this accident that sounds so very hush hush. Dr. Sebold told Frank to avoid those topics so I wouldn’t become 'distressed'.

~

A week and a half later I was back into the swing of things, so to speak. My course has been put on hold for the year, and Frank has taken a leave from school. I’m getting more comfortable in this house. Its cosy furniture, nice shades of whites and browns on the walls. I only remember one thing so far, but I haven’t told Frank about it. Its not a sound, or a sign, but a feeling. The feeling like my heart was shattered into a million pieces. The feeling of ultimate heart ache and I don’t know why, because everything seems fine between us, seemed fine, at least.

For his sake I try to be more affectionate towards him. He tells me not to force anything but I can see he's hurting and I am starting to feel something for him. Its just so nice to have someone there for you during a time like this, how can you not? Your mind and heart are empty and eager to fill up again. Currently we're curled up on the couch, two large glasses of iced tea on the coffee table in front of us, along with a bag of chips and some salsa. We're watching horror movies and I’m getting the crap scared out of me.
"Hahaha, I’m not turning it off, its too funny to see your reaction!"
"Shut up that is not fair, maybe I didn’t find them scary before but I certainly do now!"
He still chuckles, and the movie stays on, but he shifts so I can curl up more beside him so I can hide my face from the screen. I smile into his shoulder. He's got a nice cologne that I cant get enough of, and that’s when it hits me. A brief wave of vague memories. A shot of Jazz at a bar, drink in hand and smiling at a stranger. Me getting a piggy back through the mall and Frank tripping, us falling and laughing. Frank with a sad look in his eyes, staring at me. A stranger and I drinking coffee, talking like only the closest friends do.

After its over I realize the movie is stopped, Franks holding my shoulders in his hands and he’s staring intently at me, his eyes wide with worry. I find my whole body clenched and try to ease my stomach.

"I.. something. I’m not really sure." He has really long eyelashes, I notice at the weirdest of times. His brown eyes staring to mine, he lifts a hand and brushes some hair behind my ear. A few days ago I got it cut, and put some more dye in, he says I’m starting to look like my old self, minus the metal in my face. Hahaha.

I start explaining the memories I had while playing with the frayed knee of his jeans, my index finger tracing along the square hole. My eyes travel up his chest to meet his eyes where I see he's grinning bigger than I’ve seen in a while, and he quickly reaches around and gives me the biggest hug and, unexpectedly, a kiss on the mouth. Neither lasted long, but afterwards he leaned back on the abstract patterned couch so we were laying down and he again wrapped his arms around me. Reaching up to touch his cheek we both drifted off to sleep.

~

I wake up disoriented, light is just coming up and it takes a moment to notice Frank carried me up to our room, and for the first night he's sharing it with me. He stirs softly, and I pull the blanket back up over his body. It feels so normal to have him here with me. It feels like, finally, things are the way they should be.. minus the obvious loss. I remembered a few other things like they were dreams, blurbs of conversations, teas, coffees, suppers and bar nights out. A not so close friend names Dan at the bar going 'Shazam!' over something and all of us laughing so hard. I don’t really know why. Frank stirs again and I see his eyes flutter.
"Hi" he says still groggy from sleep. I lean down and press our lips together for a moment. "Hi" I reply. He closes his eyes, smirks, and pushes my shoulder so I fall over on the end of the bed.
"Hey now!! Not fair!" I laughed, getting back up and flopping on him, letting out a slight 'whoosh' sound. Rolling above me he says 'I’ve got you now' and so proceeded a terrible tickle war. Laughing so hard tears rolled down my cheeks, I eventually cried uncle and ceased the torture. Letting a few stray giggles loose, I shifted us so I could lay my head on his chest.

~

This is how the past few weeks went by, a new relationship that you know was going to work out, because it already had. Us shamelessly flirting like teenagers, having the usual gang over for BBQs, drinks and such. I now pretty much new where everything was in town, between walking around myself and hearing stories from them all. My mother phones regularly and tries to help me remember, and more often than not it works. She recently sent a box of baby and childhood pictures that Frank and I poured over, looking at every little detail. The spark in his eyes showed he enjoyed looking at the pictures just as much as I did.. If not more.

Memories were still coming back but the heartache pain still showed its ugly face more often than not, and I never figured out the cause of that or the accident. Personally I think it would jar my short term memory, but Frank says the doctor said to avoid that topic. Whenever our group got near it things got awkward and changed quickly. This is the day where I get the phone call where everything changes around.

~

Its a sunny afternoon here where we live, and I got off the phone with my mom a couple hours ago. Its a fantastic spring day, the one where you know summer is coming instead of it just a distant thought. Frank went out with the guys, after much forcing on my part.
"Ill.. be.. fine!" I struggle to talk right from my feeble attempt to push him out the door. He’s laughing but worry is in his big browns, afraid to leave me alone pretty much ever since the accident.

Laughing again and a peck on the lips (following my hooting and hollering by our friends) and he’s off, I think to another of those horror movies.

Home alone is nice, slowly familiar. I wander around before slipping into my pyjama pants and one of Frank's t-shirts, grab some cola and popcorn (with caramel on top, I know, its crazy) and flop in front of the TV.

Halfway through a rerun of some kids show (shut it, there was nothing else on) the phone rings. Look at it, contemplate, and deciding I should get the phone.

"Heeelllllllllooo" I stretch it out, smirking at the TV and chewing on my thumbnail.
"Lauren? ..I don’t know if you'll remember me. My names Jeph, we're.. good friends." Jeph has a pleasant voice, a little scratchy, maybe from smoking. Sounds a little nervous and exhausted. I mute the TV. Why hadn't I heard from.. whoever this is sooner? I ask.
"I was afraid you were ignoring me.. and then I heard what happened, and I only found out now that you're awake. I’m really sorry, I know I should have called sooner and checked up..."
He keeps rambling on, and I just hold the receiver. I don’t know what to say. I don’t remember him, but he knows things about me, and we make plans to meet for coffee tomorrow afternoon.

I mull over this mysterious person to the drone of the TV until Frank comes home. When I ask him about Jeph, he visibly stiffens. Oh.. Kay. That’s weird, but he doesn’t explain.

After making sure he is legit and I explain our plans, he still doesn't seem happy, so I throw my theory out there. He's supposedly a good friend, Frank agrees, and I’m still missing my short term memory, another nod. Why not take the chance to remember something?

"Well fine, fucking go out then. Hope you have fun." He storms out of the room up to bed. Something is seriously wrong here. I try but he wont tell me anything, rolls over and goes to sleep, while I spend the next few hours staring at the ceiling lost in thought. Last thing I remember is the sun just coming up when I finally pass out.

~

Breakfast with Frank is equally as cold but he still drives me downtown to where I’m meeting Jeph. I tried suggesting that he comes with, since he’s so worried, but the idea doesn't take.

Its warm when I step out of the car in front of a quaint little coffee shop called 'Zacs', looking around nervously until a guy starts approaching me. Frank assures me this is Jeph and he drives away.

Jeph is just over six feet, medium build with some baggy jeans and sneakers. Sweater sleeves pushed up, he raises his hand to his mouth. A cigarette. Haha! I was right. He has kind hazel eyes holding something I cant place, and he gives me a hug, but quickly pulls back after deciding it was a bad idea. His brown hair is unkempt under a trucker cap.
He’s nervous. "Come on in.. Ill get you your favourite, since you probably don’t remember...' I follow him into Zacs after he throws his smoke, where there's cute little tables and jars lining the walls full of all sorts of tea. He orders a plain coffee, black, and some long named thing that ends up having vanilla swirls on the top. That ones for me. We sit at a table and I notice something on the underside of his arm. A tattoo. Sheesh, does everyone I know have one of these things?! Chuckling quietly, I read the words. 'Carpe Diem'. Nice.

He drinks his coffee and I taste my drink and instantly know why its my favourite. Its fantastic!!! I ask him what its called but he just says that they'll know when I ask for my usual. We nod, and smile.

For the next hour or so we talk, about simple things. He doesn’t press anything of what I know or don’t, but I instantly take a liking to him. He’s so easy to talk to, funny. Sweet. I get that heart pain again, and without thinking of what I’m saying I ask him if we ever dated. His eyes sweep nervously around the room as he lifts his almost empty cup to his lips. Head down, he says simply. "It was complicated, but its over." Well duh its over, I’m dating Frank, and then a flash comes back. Jeph and I. Sneaking around. Kissing, intimate. The door opening and panic.
Frank. Frank looking PISSED. Did I.. cheat?

I start freaking out. It would explain so much, but creates so many more questions. Why Frank would be nervous, upset, displeased by me coming out this afternoon. But if he was as angry and my memory makes it seem, why are we still together? I don’t know what’s going on but I need to get to the bottom of it.

"Jeph" hushed tone of voice "I remember something.. please explain.. I’m so confused."
He looks at me like I’m crazy, obviously he doesn’t know what I’m talking about, but he seems to know anyway because he starts speaking.

"It was stupid and we were drinking. I didn’t mean for it to happen, I really didn’t. I just couldn’t control myself, but every little part of that ended, and its probably for the best." 'Jeph, your nuts' I’m thinking, cause that really didn’t help me.
"What’s probably for the best? You’re talking in riddles" He scans my face, and realizes he knows something I don’t.
"I.. call Frank. I cant explain this to you. I need to go.. goodbye Lauren" and with that he stands up and all but runs out the door.
Do I have some kind of plague? Come on...

~

Frank picks up on the second ring and leaves right away. I pace outside until the car pulls up and he rushes out, holds me.
"what happened, what did he say? Did he hurt you?" I shake my head into his shoulder, and realize there’s some tears slipping out. Why am I crying?! All this confusion must be stressing me out. I explain as best as I can on the drive home, but when we get there Frank turns off the car but doesn't make a move to get out. As I open my mouth to ask he starts speaking.

"We broke up.. you and I. I found out you were fooling around with Jeph, but I loved you and you said you loved me and so we stayed together. You promised it wouldn’t happen again, you hardly remembered what went on anyway. And I believed you. And you didn’t, thank god. But you started getting sick. We took you to outpatients.. and.." He sobs quietly, breathes in, tries to continue. His head falls into his hands and his hair covers his face. My stomach is clenching and I know what he is going to say before he does.

I was pregnant.

And I don't think it was his.

I start sobbing. Not the cute, girl from a romance movie type sob but loud, gasping rattled breaths. I don’t know up from down, but I more feel him leave then hear him, and I think he's gone but he opens my car door and lifts me out, gently. As to not break me anymore than we both must be feeling. I try to speak, try to apologise for something I don’t remember doing, but he hushes me. Says its finished now, and that he can barely understand what I’m saying anyway. I know if it wasn’t so depressing he would have laughed at my attempt to speak.

"So.. we weren’t.. dating?"
"Not after that."
"Then.. why did the doctor say you were my boyfriend? Why did you say that?"
By now he places me on the couch, and he looks at me.
"Because I care for you, and after the accident.. I couldn’t stand the thought of losing you. I thought I already had.. And.." His hand rests on my stomach, and I feel empty inside.
"We already lost one life from the accident, and even though it wasn’t mine.. Well-"
He doesn’t finish, or cant. I am crying, wailing, wildly, and he tells me to calm down.
"Calm down.. Calm down?! I just realize that this whole thing for the past couple months was based on a lie. I lost something I never knew I had, more than memories, but a LIFE. And you’re telling me to calm down?!" I run to the bathroom, slam the door. Sliding down the wall, I collapse on the floor and cry myself to sleep.

The next day Frank tries to apologise but I’m still a depressed wreck, I wave it off, sink on the side of the bed. My own little world was just discovered and was torn to pieces in front of my eyes.

~

Days go on before I start seeing again, truly opening my eyes. Frank was sitting at the table, staring at something in his hands. A picture frame. I watch from the doorway.

He cries silently. Not only did I rip my own world apart, but his as well. I walk up and place my hand on his shoulder. He looks up, startled.
"I’m sorry" I breathe. I see in his eyes that nothing else needs to be said, and nothing is. I sit on his lap and we hold each other, pressing chest to chest, hands to hair, cheek to cheek. Like we're mending ourselves and each other. Its funny, but it seems like it worked. It was a long time before he spoke, and as he did I could see everything across my vision, like a narrator in a movie.

"You went to Jeph’s after leaving the hospital"

I could see myself knocking on the door, him answering, me going inside.

"I guess you told him what was going on.."

Worry on his face went to shock when I explained Frank and I had broken up, and after much struggling I tell him I’m pregnant.
"Ren.. that’s great. I’m sure Frank will come around, I mean-"
"Its not Franks." The look on my face explained everything to him, and he hugs me.

"I drive around everywhere for you, at the time I didn’t know you went there, I wasn’t thinking clearly. I just knew right away that it was his, the timeline didn’t match up any other way. And you just know, that feeling in your gut, you know"

He keeps talking, and I see myself sitting with Jeph and talking.

"I finally learn your there. I drive up, open the door to his house as I had so many times before as, I learn later, he leans in to kiss you. At the time all I saw was red and I freaked. Started screaming, startled him, made you cry.."

In my mind I see Jeph lean in, and I cant imagine that he's doing that. WHY would he be doing this? After all the drama I went through, he does this. The door slams against the wall and I see Frank, fuming. Turning red. Screaming about the whore I am and how his friend is a piece of shit. Betrayed him.

"You ran"

I flew past him, thankful and just realizing I never took my shoes off when I stopped at Jeph's. Ran down the sidewalk, full tilt, until my legs were cramping and my lungs felt on fire but I didn’t stop. I could hear shouts behind me but I didn’t turn back. My heart pounded like drums in my ears. Blindly I skidded around a turn to face the final memory before waking up those months ago. A blasting horn and two headlights, screams from all around me. I don’t know if they came from Frank, Jeph, myself, or the tires of the car. But everything went black.

"You ran" It echoes in my head.

I know that that was the last missing memory.

~

Looking back, Frank and I must have sat together there in our kitchen, overturned frame on the table and the only light coming from a streetlight outside. Slowly our breathing equalled out, I don’t think he ever fell asleep there though.

After the sun came up high in the sky was the first time we really moved. I don’t know how his legs supported me sitting there the whole time, but afterwards I think we both felt extremely.. at ease.

We talked about what our plans were, what we were going to do with each other. The only option for both of us was to start fresh.

"No secrets, no lies, but lets not pretend to be anything we're not"
"So.. I should forget everything that happened in the past couple months?" I joke.
"Hahaha, really funny." At least now he’s smiling. A weight visibly lifted off his shoulders. The sparkle in his eye came back. Reaching a hand out in front of me, he holds it in the air. I look at him, confused. A smirk plays on his lips.
"Hi, I’m Frank" smiling, I reach my hand out and shake it.
"Lauren. Don’t I know you from somewhere? You look awfully familiar" We laugh, the most refreshing laugh that goes on for a while. That start over, the second start over, was the best thing that could happen to us.

It was exactly what we needed to go on.